Famous for all kinds of wickedness

Earth Hour - Lost Opportunity

2009-03-29T12:14:00.002+01:00

It was Earth Hour last night. No not the one that went missing during the night here in the UK that has everyone under the age of eight puzzling over the mysteries of time. Oh no you mean it was just me that wondered where it had gone, why it had gone and whether it would ever come back?
We duly switched off and sat in candlelight, a brief reminder of a more romantic past. I showed Stumpy pictures of buildings all over the world with lights switched off so he didn't think it was just me being mean.
I was a little peeved at the TV news as they seemed not to have noticed it was going on. I'll stand corrected if there was anything on the other side but I didn't see anything on the news about lights going out, all they seemed to want to show is a few thugs kicking seven bells out of each other in Northern Ireland.
Was it on? Did I miss it when I nipped out for a Custard Cream? Or was it deemed not newsworthy (depressing) enough?

Darwin Song Project

2009-03-28T11:28:00.004Z

It's been a while, I have several other projects on the go and since my wife returned to work in September we are ships in the night so time is precious. I wanted to post a link to this R4 programme though about the Darwin Songs Project. I just found it such an interesting an offbeat project and the music and lyrics so evocative I can't wait for the CD to come out. The BBCiplayer link is here.

Stumpy's First Poem

2009-01-19T23:21:00.003Z

Sundays Stumpy comes to the shop, he is my right hand man and for six manages to make an amazing contribution. I'd left him in the office fiddling around on the laptop which normally results in him ending up watching old Power Ranger episodes on You tube. This Sunday was different I stuck my head around the door to see how he was getting on and he had created this, below, I may have to change his online pseudonym to something more appropriate like Wordsworth or Alfred.

Winter Poem

icicles are sharp.

snow is cold.

snow is freezing.

you can go sledging.

you can cut icicles down.

King Cooper's Doomship

2009-01-13T10:17:00.003Z

Much of life has two sides,that's why there are so many of those old sayings "Two sides to every story", "double-edged sword", "every cloud has a silver lining" etc. It struck me again yesterday after a chance comment from Stumpy in the car journey home from school.
Yes I said car, I know I should walk, but the hills and with a double buggy, let's just say I've noticed the calves on the mothers that walk up that hill, I'll leave the rest to imagination.

As we reached the top of the hill on the way home the vista opens up from woodland to a big open grassy scene where a kind, benevolent opencast mine contractor has planted a thousand trees around a massive hole in the ground and called it a community park. I digress, it was a reasonable day, bit of blue sky, pleasant enough, Stumpy suddenly says "That cloud looks like King Cooper's Doomship".
"Which cloud?" I quickly asked trying to buy some time as I mentally flicked through my list of kids TV shows, characters et al not wanting to be caught out.
"That one, the long thin one" came the reply in no time.
By this time I still had no clue as to who King Cooper was and why he had a Doomship so in desperation I attempted a guess,
" Is he a baddy from Ben Ten?"
Silence, a look and my shame was out, it was now obvious to my six year old I didn't have the first idea who King Cooper was. I hung my head, the all important act of male bonding lost somewhere between the generation's, ripped on the cutting edge of ever changing children's culture.
Then it dawned on me, King Cooper and the inner workings of his Doomship might not be my specialist subject on Mastermind but there was a positive from this. My boy was seeing things in the sky, he was creating pictures in the clouds. Joy, all those passing references to dragons and fish and bearded ladies hadn't fallen on deaf ears, we have a bond, we have something to hold onto. When in the future, things have got a bit heated, when we've had words then hopefully I can break the ice, casually mention that I saw a cloud today, it was the just like Thunderbird Two.

Sitting Outside, Playing with Stones.

2009-01-12T12:27:00.003Z

As you can tell I'm having a little tea break from the blog. We're all still here though. Huck and Edge and I sat outside and played with stones in the warmth and calm of this morning. Sometimes you just have to sit outside and play with stones, quiet and thoughtful until you have something to say.
I'll be back when I have something to say.

Saturday and I'm Confused

2009-01-03T16:24:00.003Z

Blame the holidays, I can't be alone in getting confused about the days and having days that feel like other days over the holiday period. Isn't it weird how a Saturday and a Sunday feel different? There's something slower about a Sunday like it's walking in slippers where as a Saturday kind of feels sporty and whizz bang ( I borrowed that term from Judith over at Wife in the North).
I'm giving up shopping anywhere that isn't eccentric in 2009, so without further adue check this store out. It's a bit niche but I love the humour and attitude.
Fancy an Elvish name, try this.
Prefer cooking? Surprisingly this book wasn't top of my Christmas wish list.
I've become someone's addiction, I'm going to make a mix tape.

Must dash, nearly time to go home to vomiting daughter. Joy.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

2009-01-02T16:16:00.002Z

That's how the old saying goes, I take a few days off and I have people from all over the world clamouring for my return, sheesh.
OK, I say people, there were at least two and yeah, yeah one of them wasn't exactly clamouring but my wife saying " you haven't blogged in a while" still counts don't it?
Anyway thank you to my one fan, on the other side of the world who missed me and thank you to the other follower who sent me some sort of Twitter invite (I don't do Twitter mate it kind of spooks me).
Happy new year to one and all, I hope it brings happiness and harmony to your life.

That's it, after indulging and spending time with family I have nought but that to offer, my routine returns to normal next week so I should be back with some regular posts and I look forward to catching up with everything on my reader.

Christmas Break

2008-12-23T16:36:00.003Z

I have been quiet for days, both on this blog and in the shop. I have been busy with another side project under one of my other identities. Funny thing is in the shop, despite being much quieter than the last couple of Christmas's as we haven't thrown money at marketing, advertising etc we are actually trading more profitably, as we cut back the overheads. I may not be back till after Christmas so thank you for reading, commenting, sharing your stories.

I hope Christmas is all you hoped it would be.

Best Wishes

Money to the Man

2008-12-19T17:46:00.000Z

Quote, "I give money to the man that plays the organ when I see him."

Wednesday Web Wander 2

2008-12-17T00:46:00.002Z

This week has found me enthused by the possibilities here, amused by the portraits of dead folk here and wondering why the UK isn't taking a major lead in this project given that many areas of the country are riddled with flooded mine shafts.
This Christmas Tree fired up my enthusiasm for creating something of my own for the season. I am picking up the feed from here as the images are superb.

Drachenfutter

2008-12-16T17:23:00.002Z

I just realised after following a link from here to here that my last post was Drachenfutter. So now we all know.

Sudden Awakening

2008-12-16T11:53:00.003Z

I close my eyes and I am transported back thousands of years. My wife has just left the pile of animal furs we sleep on, her first job on these dark mornings is to build the fire to get light and heat. I hear logs and branches rolling down the pile of wood stored at one side of our shelter. My wife throws the logs noisily onto the smouldering fire and moments later the dry wood ignites and flames shoot up, light flickers on the walls and ceiling and a small child stirs next to me. The light brightens the gloom and seeps into my eyelids. Outside it is dark,unknown, misty. This creates fear. We live with the knowledge that just beyond our vision are predators, waiting to take advantage of any weakness. My wife takes the stretched animal skin drum and bangs it with her hand as she walks through the entrance outside. The noise chases away animals and lets others know we are strong. She comes back inside, I hear the sound of water running from the jug as she drinks, then spits, clearing her throat. I hear her fumbling at the wall of our shelter and then suddenly, splitting the semi darkness the terrifying roar, I lurch forward from sleep reaching for my club, every muscle every fibre ready to spring into action, eyes searching for the attacker, the source of the noise. It has my wife by the hand, it roars as it closes in on her head, she is at the mercy of the beast, it's scream becomes high pitched as her head whips back hair arcing over almost in slow motion to reveal the head of the hair dryer. I am awake.

Ships in the Night

2008-12-14T15:18:00.002Z

We haven't had a full day together since back in September, my wife and I. We see each other every day and we sleep together every night. We sleep the exhausted deep instant sleep, occasionally broken by cries in the dark, that parents with young children will recognise.
Our time is taken by the need to deal with the detail of the day to day drudge. We shop alone, we hoover or iron or cook or clean whilst the other follows our children like a seagull behind the plough.
This temporary enforced daily separation, seven days a week seems to leave us frantic to make the most of the moments we have. Time is precious and I am bitterly disappointed if it seems to have been wasted.
It won't always be this way.
The sun will come out again.
I promise.

Saturday Shop *1

2008-12-13T01:00:00.000Z

After finding the gem that is the Vermont Country Store last week I thought I would run a shopping feature on a Saturday for a while to feature some of those delights that are out there on the net for us all to buy. So this week I went back to VCS and found these which are an absolute must for every one's Christmas table. Trying to find stuff that catches the zeitgeist of the world today hasn't been easy but this book could prove useful in the coming years and from the same store I thought these were cute and cool. Now you can cut back on presents all you like but when it comes to that all important Christmas Pud, take it from one in the know this one is the one to have, beats all others hands down.

Business Idea

2008-12-12T13:54:00.003Z

I'm a serial entrepreneur, what I mean by that is that I see opportunities and have business ideas regularly. I have also grown lazy in my middle age and fail to act on 99.9% of them.

Here's just one example. Not my idea but certainly one worthy of consideration if your looking for a business that might profit in the current recession.

Now I know there are lots of lurking parents out there reading regularly, leave me your comments, would you consider using a UK version of this business model?

Bleed the World

2008-12-12T01:00:00.001Z

Ironic? Bad Taste? Funny? judge for yourself here.

via Mefi

Another Milestone

2008-12-11T15:20:00.003Z

Quickly following on from this Edge has taken her blowing skills to the next level. Stumpy arrived home from school after his regular Wednesday afternoon trip out with my parents with a cheap chinese made plastic recorder, eighty pence in the Woolworths closing down sale.
After a couple of hours of playing tunes where all the notes were the same he grew tired and it was discarded among the other debris in our living room.
Eagle eyed Edge was quickly on the scene eager to get her hands on the music maker, sure enough, although she had more in her mouth than we would have liked, out pops a note, then another. She doesn't get it from me, couldn't sing for my supper if I was starving.

Freefall

2008-12-11T01:00:00.001Z

I guess most parents occasionally look at their offspring and wonder what the future holds. Will they go to University? Are they going to have kids? What kind of world will they live in?
Preparing lunch yesterday (Jarlsberg Toastie for them, Honey Roast Salmon sandwich for me OK) I could shrieks of laughter from the younger two coming from the bottom of the stairs.
Due to the location of our bottom handrail post which is on the second step our stair gate is also on the second step. Both Huck & edge have great fun climbing up and rattling the gate, sitting on the step and generally getting raucous together amidst the shoe colony that exists nearby. I say colony but it is more a shoe city these days as it expands ever outward.
I wandered along to the stair just in time to see Huck fall forward and roll across the floor, no tears, a laugh and back up again. I stood back spying through the gaps in the rail. What I thought had been a slip of the foot turned out to be nothing of the sort. Huck climbed back up onto the stair, turned around and shuffled to the edge before launching himself into free fall to shrieks of delight from his sister.
Again and again he climbed and jumped, fearless and oblivious to the bumpy landings he was getting. The Edge obviously eager to emulate her bro also shuffled a deal more hesitantly to the edge but kind of shuffled off, feet slipping to the floor.
So is this an early career indicator, he still has choices of course there is this, this or this just for starters. Alternatively it might just be a leisure activity

Wednesday Web Wander.

2008-12-10T01:00:00.001Z

My blogging obsession is taking over. Shorter cold days and a lack of cash mean I have little time in between looking after the kids so the laptop is almost permanently switched on in the background. I snatch a few minutes here and there between meals or picking up, dropping off. Almost carbon free travel. I want to try and share a little of where i've been and what i've been reading, I might repeat this each week if I find the stamina.
I discovered tumbleogs this week and already a firm fan of Things, i've been checking in daily to their rich content. I found the private lives of toys amusing over at Weburbanist. After discovering some old tapes in the understair cupboard during a pre xmas clean up I went off looking how to get them converted into a format I could use online. These guys seem to have a cost effective answer. I despise stereotyping but fell for this little site. I signed up for Metafilter again because the content is so rich.

Born in a Barn

2008-12-09T12:58:00.005Z

So what better way to start my conversion from Grinch to Bing than one of our children's nativity play. An opportunity to get back to basics and see Christmas with all the wonder of a child. Stumpy had a part, not a big one but it was a speaking part.
Getting in the mood I tried to entertain everyone by making up new words to the songs Stumpy has been practicing ad nauseum regularly. This didn't go down too well, worse when I tried to correct him during Howay in A Manger he didn't quite get the joke about post nuclear fall out (glowing) cows. After the last few days I think I'm going to have to learn to keep my mouth shut, don't tell anyone their in the wrong, it's far safer. So Stumpy got grumpy and we had a few words.
Despite both Wife and I being there we were actually later than usual. We had decided Wife should go on ahead with Stumpy and I would follow with Huck & Edge post breakfast.
Head in the clouds Wife almost took Huck with her as he snuck in between her legs at the door as she was trying to leave.
We got settled and all was going well, the twins contributing some animal noises to make the barn scene more realistic. Mary was suffering from post natal depression judging by the look on her face and Joseph looked like a tripper at Glastonbury.
Edge was keen to get to the front row so Wife wandered down with her where she worked her ticket supported the performance in a lively fashion.
Coming back down the aisle Wife managed to collide with her second child of the day, thankfully this time it was someone else's so I took no part in the putting back together process.
The child's screams didn't seem to distract too much from the performance thankfully. After checking no one had the incident on video we made a hasty exit, Wife to work and me back to the sad news of my other post and a trip down memory lane.
Oh and we saw a Christmas Tree.

Ho Hum, keep singing,

"Howay in a Manger nee crib....

The Passing of Childhood

2008-12-09T11:30:00.003Z

I am getting over emotional in my middle age but someone that had created so much of our childhood entertainment passed away yesterday and the news today found me shedding a tear. Like many others hearing the news I have been watching some of the characters created by Oliver Postgate like Noggin the Nog and The Clangers. That voice and those stories echo down the years and rip me back to the orange proggy rug in front of the blazing coal fire, frost on our windows waiting for the Soup Dragon.

This might spur many of us to ensure our children get to be entertained and enthralled by these amazing characters, at least in that way Oliver won't be forgotten.

Getting in the Spirit

2008-12-08T13:36:00.003Z

My wife thinks I am the Grinch. It is close to the truth. I find it difficult to get in the Christmas Spirit these days. When I was younger I was the life and soul of the party and I can't quite get to grips with what's changed.
"We need to see it through our kids eyes" was her war cry the other night. I could see in her eyes she meant it, for all the right reasons she wants her children to have a Christmas they will enjoy and remember and be nostalgic about after one too many sherries in thirty years time.
So I need to find the spirit again, I need to find a time machine to take me back so I can recapture what made Christmas special, if only we had kept all those Betamax videos and the remote still worked.

source Metafilter

Best & Worst

2008-12-07T23:45:00.001Z

I was often frustrated when collecting Stumpy from school during the last year as he would regularly be irritable and didn't want to communicate even the smallest detail of his day.
We would regularly have words and end up with a silent car journey home and an awkward first half hour in the house.
It wasn't restricted just to me, Wife often had similar situations. By all accounts many children at this age are similarly inclined due to a combination of tiredness and having to exercise control over themselves during the school day that can be relaxed the minute they are back with parents.
Lately I've tried a different tactic which seems to be working. Instead of asking 'big' questions or open questions such as "What have you done today?" I've been asking him "What's the best thing that happened today" and "What's the worst thing that happened today?"

Suddenly we're getting some information about what he's doing.

I've been sharing my own best and worst with him and Wife has too.

With the benefit of hindsight we should have done this ages ago, you live and learn.

I wrote the post above back in October and saved it as a draft not publishing it as I wanted to add more flesh. Tonight I read this article and it kind of reinforced what we've been doing and reminded me how important it is we are consistent about it, especially as Huck & Edge get older and join the family conversation.

Subtle & Dramatically Handsome.

2008-12-07T00:12:00.006Z

I have to thank Things magazine for providing some rich entertainment tonight. Buried away in their link to an article at The Morning News about Guilty Reading was a link to The Vermont Country Store, purveyors of the practical and hard to find. A random sample of their wares is detailed below, it may be too late this year but trust me next year's Christmas Shopping is coming from VCS, they are my kind of shop, one with a sense of humour.

Take the nightshirt pictured here, this is described by VCS as "Orton Family Plaid—Rich Flannel Men's Sleepwear That's Subtle Yet Dramatically Handsome"

Now I have to have one, how could I, subtle and dramatically handsome not want to own one of these?

How to Be an Explorer.

2008-12-06T15:21:00.002Z

I quite like the opening sentences of this blog, seems to me to have a good philosophy.

Happy Easter

2008-12-06T14:32:00.003Z

On sale now 21 days earlier than last year. I couldn't resist when I saw them at the wholesaler yesterday, if only because it gives everybody something to comment about when they get to the till.

How do you eat yours?

Spat

2008-12-06T09:48:00.005Z

I have had a bit of a spat with another blogger over the last couple of days. It ended with the other blogger requesting me not to make any more comments and alleging their "personal safety had been threatened". I won't post any links to the original posts and comments in order to respect their wishes.

I read a post on blog x relating to a child that has been prominent in the media. Toward the end of the post the author referred to the child as "pig ugly". I found this offensive and commented that I thought it was out of order.
The post author responded suggesting that the term was cryptic and a comment on the class snobbery of the media and society. They also made reference to to the blog being "their space to express whatever they liked without censorship".
I believed that the ends, in this case making a topical reference, did not justify the means, a derogatory remark about a child, so I continued to offer alternative opinion and challenging their view on freedom of speech.
Perhaps naively I made a point stating that " I too had a blog and would the author find it acceptable if I published a picture of them, their name and asked Is this person Pig Ugly?". Immediately below this point I stated clearly that this is something I would never do as I had regard for others, which with hindsight was a little holier than thou but I was trying to get the author to see their comments from a different angle, put themselves in the place of the person on the receiving end. To my mind the statement was clearly a hypothetical "what if".
At this point the blog author began to claim that their personal safety had been threatened and making reference to a relative suffering Internet abuse.
I apologised if my point had caused any concern as it was not the intention and pointed out again that I had unequivocally stated it was something I would not do.
I would like to be clear that as far as I am concerned I used no abusive language, I made no personal remarks, I issued no threats.
I did create a hypothetical situation to try to get the post author to see that with rights such as freedom of speech comes responsibilities to not abuse others.

I have created this post for two reasons, first and foremost the whole episode raises some questions for me about blogging and the boundaries of acceptable behaviour and second there may be some visitors to the other blog who will follow my profile and want to make comments here about what was written there.

After the event I began reading a little about blogging etiquette, concerned that my boundaries were not in step with generally accepted norms. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing, read one piece. Someone else talked about making blogs public and accepting that others will have different opinions and accepting criticism.

I'm interested in the views of others to questions such as

1. If you disagree with someone else's view on a blog should you comment or walk away?
2. Is it reasonable to express opinion however derogatory on your blog because it is your space for your opinions?Is an individuals right to freedom of speech sacrosanct above all else?
3. Do we bear some personal responsibility for the things we write and publish?

My own opinion, and I accept that it is an opinion rather than something absolute, is that we, each of us has a responsibility to self censor, to consider the impact of our words and posts on others. At the edges, where things get blurred and are grey as opposed to black and white we should be open to debate, non personal, non abusive debate. Often we may have to agree to disagree. If something is published and there to be read and comments are switched on then I feel encouraged to express an opinion. I respect the right of the author and others to their opinion but I also expect that they respect the rights of others not to be abused and to express alternative views. The ends dont always justify the means.

That's My Boy

2008-12-04T14:38:00.003Z

This one is about pride or should that be PRIDE and I'm not apologizing for it. The snow came late this morning, slightly later than the weather maps suggested. It was starting to lie thin, wet but even as I left for the journey north to work. Wife was nervous about driving Stumpy to school and humming and harring about what to do, should she go? Should we just give him the day off? I suggested that it wasn't too bad and looked wet rather than frozen so give it a go.
I kind of regretted this later when I had a tearful wife with twa toddlers ring me stuck halfway up a hill trying to find a route that avoided the short but near vertical climb out of the market town up to the school.
After we did the twenty first century equivalent of the Golden Shot talking her back down the hill to safety over the mobile phone (hands free of course) she relayed the details of their journey to school. Apparently the weather took a turn for the worse as she left home and the roads were rather dodgy as she headed down the other big hill at our side of the river valley in which sits the market town.
Increasingly nervous she at one point said "I'm turning around" to which Stumpy replies "No mum everything will be fine".
Not one to panic in a crisis our six year old, i think we might have a conversation about the economy when we get home and see what he suggests.

Anyone for Snow?

2008-12-03T22:03:00.004Z

Heavy snow forecast overnight, proper snow according to the weather people. Looks like we got the wellies just in time.
Must remember to take the camera.
It's still exciting, waiting for snow, all that's left when you know there's no Santa.

The First Twins in Space

2008-12-02T11:54:00.005Z

It must have been how the first astronauts at NASA felt when they first pulled on their spacesuits and moon boots. Much laughter and falling down, pointing at each other, trying to chew the sole of your boot , just goofing around together. The knowledge that soon you would be out of the safe environment in which you conducted your testing and into the unknown, breaking new ground.

One small step for mankind, one, no, four giant green steps for our brood.

Next Year's Most Wanted

2008-11-28T17:29:00.001Z

Another lazy rehashed post to highlight my prediction for next year's most wanted gift, forget patio heaters they are so last week.

(via Inhabitat)

The Return of the Tash.

2008-11-27T17:49:00.001Z

As most of my blog seems dominated by facial hair related content here's a new story from the BBC today.

Activity

2008-11-27T12:28:00.003Z

After days that felt like weeks lounging around, feeling sorry for ourselves and our illness and our children's illness, suddenly we are active again. I have a spring in my step this morning, as I drove to work it was as if the world was bathed in sunshine. Admittedly the sun was just coming up so that probably had a little to do with it.
Things may be 'on the up' with the business sale as we have had two viewings recently both of which appear to be generating some further interest from the respective parties and the editorial we received in the regional paper last week has generated at least one more viewing tomorrow.
Today is the first day of the new Act on Co2 Challenge that I am participating in courtesy of another blogger. Check out the campaign here: http://campaigns.direct.gov.uk/actonco2/home/people-power/people-power.html

With all the references to 'people power' I did consider submitting a picture of me wearing a Che Guevara T shirt and giving a single fist salute, not perhaps the image they were looking for.

Yesterday saw my first haircut in about three months due to our new working & childcare arrangements so perhaps that is contributing to me feeling fresh & new this morning.

It's Democracy but not as we know it Jim.

2008-11-22T10:15:00.004Z

What do you do when your off colour and business is quiet? Read the US National Intelligence Council Report on Global Trends to 2025 of course. See all that stuff in my blurb about being Editor of the school magazine etc really means that I have a deep seated belief that I should really have been a world leader so I do try and keep up just in case the call comes through. Interesting report if a little predictable in parts, they also create some fictional scenarios (why bother with facts when you can make it up) which whilst they may look
like the author's attempts to pitch for the next Bond movie provide some of the lighter moments in a heavy report.
This morning I noticed some comments by the Lib Dems regarding what the govt should be doing regarding the banks and lending.
It is notable that NIC think that some states may see the Chinese or Russian models of "democracy" i.e. much greater state controls rather than free market; as a better future model than our own version of democracy here in the West.
So I'm asking myself now what would be so bad if all the banks were nationalised?
OK competition would be removed and no one would make vast profits but lets look at all the positives. There would be more stability in interest rates and money would be cheaper as the state could fix the return or profit rather than the current system of individual banks aiming for maximum profits. Taxpayers would benefit as the returns would go back into the government. Mortgage lending would be better controlled with the correct checks and balances in place to ensure people don't over commit themselves. Small business lending would be freed up, allegedly what is causing much of the current recession. There must be some synergies achievable between HM Revenue & Customs and the banks in areas such as tax collection?
Surely a more equitable financial system could be achieved with the poor no longer being exploited by unscrupulous lenders who charge a crippling level of interest. House repossessions could become a thing of the past if the state took over ownership from families that couldn't keep up and rented them back, with the property being sold on death.
Even if only those of the banks already part nationalised such as Northern Rock were used in this way they could provide a stable, dependable option for many people in an increasingly uncertain world.
Politics on a Saturday morning, whatever next?

Hoping for Sleep

2008-11-21T14:16:00.003Z

Illness has crept into our house it stalks my family and I as I write. When we're not looking it rears up and knocks us sideways. It is rampant, I plan to paint a large red X on our front door to save others from our fate.
It wakes one or more of us every night, disrupting our sleep and disorientating our days. It leaves our infants red eyed and tearful, our child with sporadic blood loss from a seemingly fragile nose and the two of us with a seemingly endless list of ailments.
I was commenting on a post somewhere out there yesterday about people wanting to swap their lives for others. Today I choose Rip Van Winkle, sleep for a hundred years sounds particularly appealing.

A Swift Satire

2008-11-19T11:42:00.006Z

Our tykes are taking a terrible toll on me or more precisely my body. (Alliteration Val, shit goatee but I can alliterate) I feel like some modern day Gulliver after being shipwrecked in Lilliput. The more I look it the more it's true, I am overcome by small people, held hostage by the chains of responsibility. You know that in comparison to them you're so big that you have to be extremely careful, one wrong move and your going squish them.
They on the other hand are just inquisitive and in order to keep up need to be carried and carrying one is OK but carrying two makes me feel as though i am permanently in some kind of World's Strongest Man competition.
Except I'm not I don't have a large belt to support my back as I waddle my charges across the drive and in through the door. I do have a support bandage on my right elbow to try and reduce the pain from my (self diagnosed) repetitive strain injury that makes me grimace even lifting a cup of tea this morning.
Physically multiples are a young man's game. At forty three it's hard to know which joint will give out first (and trust me it wont be the hips). If that wasn't enough my Lilliputians inquisitiveness is all pervasive. My ears are to be tugged, my eyes to be jabbed. My mouth to be poked, my goatee must be removable. My skin is scratched, my crotch a step. My torso acts as a landing pad for heavy unexpected heads and the backs of my legs must be bitten.
Then to the injury as I have sadly confessed comes insult.
Often some women scoff at men with their words "if men had to go through childbirth we wouldn't have children." I can now respond with absolute sincerity, if women had chest hair they wouldn't have twins.
My injuries may pass in time, the toll may hasten my departure from Lilliput but it is all made better. As I lay on the ground today, concentrating hard trying to retrieve some now forgotten object, I did what my father did when concentrating, my tongue pushed out slightly. It was then that the one of the little people appeared, crouching close to my face she too stuck out her tongue and looked deep into my eyes with just the slightest hint of a smile on her tiny lips.

Two go Exploring.

2008-11-16T13:40:00.014Z

After a twenty four hour bug that lasted at least forty eight hours I wanted to get out this morning and gulp in some air. One of our few regrets about having twins is that it has seriously dented the time we make available to Stumpy.

I decided on Saturday night that I wanted to get out for a walk of sorts and that I needed some time with Stumpy just one to one, man to boy. Much of my Internet time in between customers on Saturday was spent drifting around sites related to abandoned buildings, images of abandoned and derelict buildings and so on.

I kind of glued all this together this morning and we headed off after a bacon butty breakfast to "explore" the abandoned gun battery not far from the shop. I can remember exploring it myself as a child accompanied by my father and others and being told it was "where the monks used to live." My father obviously confusing it with the nearby Franciscan friary.

I thought this would be fairly safe territory to head into with a six year old but still present him with a little adventure.

The news we were going for a walk that involved a hill was not received well initially and a little gentle persuasion was necessary.

Once we arrived and got going Stumpy's mood lifted under the blue morning sky as we walked up the gentle incline of the "dice path" and began to get views of the beach and surrounding scenery. Within a couple of minutes he was bouncing along and chattering away, even telling me "This is fun."

When we arrived at the overgrown gun battery he needed no encouragement to start climbing about and exploring. I had thought he might be a little reluctant to descend into the dark depths but he was straight down like a local whippet. I reminded him a couple of times to be careful in the gloom as the place has been used as an occasional summer drinking den for years and the floor is scattered with broken glass as a result.

The "cave paintings" were of some interest and I particularly liked 'Battery Man' that is the first image on this post.

We tried taking an image of the impressive stone plaque but it is very weathered, although I have it on good authority that there has been a gun battery there since Napoleonic times.

Our walk back was uplifting, how could it not be. A Treecreeper at the base of a lone Hawthorn gave us an excellent opportunity to dust of the bins and Stumpy his first "twitch".

The Upside of Climate Change

2008-11-15T13:16:00.003Z

If there is such a thing, is that we may be heading toward climate meltdown but at least it's going to be warm whilst we await our fate and we get to grow nice things we couldn't before such as the latest export from Cornwall, English Tea, grown in England!

I have received samples today from Tregothnan (it means 'The House at the Head of the Valley) of a variety of teas that they have been cultivating on their estate over the last few years and are now trying to retail through selected independant retailers in the UK.

I look forward to trying them over the next few days as they have a range of 'erbal teas as well as English Estate and Earl Grey.

The Goatee gets Dissed

2008-11-11T12:23:00.005Z

I'm nearly ready to publish a picture of the 'half Charlie' but I was put off a little when my goatee got dissed by a celebrity earlier this week. Perhaps celebrity is the wrong term, someone who has a media profile.
Anyway in our Scottish star walks and we have some small talk and then she catches sight of my growth points and lets out a 'ttthhh' noise. She may as well have said "and what the fuck is that?"
I'll survive, pick up my fragile ego after all she's a ManU supporter what does she know about the finer points of goatee growing.

Memory

2008-11-08T15:36:00.003Z

I often find myself stuck in the past. The thing is it seems that there are a few hundred 'events' that i can recall but large parts of my childhood and indeed early adulthood are beyond recall. Occasionally something jogs memory, a face, a place, a word or song and a 'new' memory comes back.

I wonder whether these remembered moments are the ones alleged to fly past when close to death or do others, long forgotten make a reappearance?

I puzzle over these moments, wondering what it is about them that made them stick in the memory when others, perhaps equally as mundane, are discarded.

Some of the reasons for recall seem obvious, some trauma, such as been hit in the head by a swing in Skegness, perhaps stand out in an otherwise unexciting holiday. Others are harder to understand, why do I remember one rainy day arriving at my grandfather's house in a pushchair out of what must have been many, when nothing about it stands out.

I seem to recall faces better than most, or maybe the people that remember me choose to pretend otherwise for as long as possible in the hope they might escape. Recalling people must say something about the depth of connections or impressions that we make on each other, perhaps?

Every now and again I read something which causes me to re-evaluate a memory or see it in a different context. Sometimes it can be a little painful on the ego to look back at particular behaviours and situations and see why you acted as you did.

As a parent I try hard to go back to seeing as a child, to remember how I felt at a particular age and why I reacted in certain ways and how I felt when my parents reacted in certain ways to me. Too often its after the event though.

As a son I watch as my parents memory plays tricks on them (or is it mine?), my father long ago lost the aura of certainty for me. Strangely he often remembers events but has the places or the people mixed up.
I know memory is not infallible, I have this long remembered event from childhood where I started to descend the very steep flight of stairs in our first family home, suddenly with a rush I was at the bottom. Did i jump and arrive uninjured? If I didn't jump why has this seemingly insignificant event puzzled me my whole life?

Interests

2008-11-08T13:18:00.003Z

For me the best way to browse other blogs is to use the 'Interest' and 'Favourite' sections of my profile. Simply by clicking on an interest or Favorite band etc I can see all the other bloggers who have listed the same item on their own profile.
My interests are fairly common, there are one or two things that throw up surprises in terms of numbers of other people listing the same item, I am proud to have a single item (a band that no longer exists). There is another item (Flotsam & Jetsam) where there are only two of us but unfortunately 'Kate' has a profile but no blog so I haven't been able to say Hi. I know that various individuals list Flotsam and Jetsam as separate items however.
To digress for a moment my interest in F&J stems from a couple of ferry crossings I did in the Bay of Biscay a few years back to watch Seabirds and Cetaceans. There are two areas that are full of activity as you cross the continental shelf and the feeding is good but a central area of many hours where there is little to see. Myself and a number of other birders would amuse away this dead time building a F&J list and attempting to identify the various items that floated past. An upturned dead Guernsey cow was probably the rarest item from those trips but we became quite expert at identifying "brands" of can at a distance.
I think this listing thing is probably predominantly a male activity and it probably indicates some degree of obsessive behaviour but to fill a quiet Saturday did you know...

552,000 bloggers like to read but only 32,900 are interested in people. 15,000 of us like chocolate and 4,900 like watching The Great Escape. There are 453 others who list lists as an interest but only 54 who enjoy argument. The Flotsam & Jetsam Preservation Society starts here, one member and a profile called Kate.

The Kinds of Clap

2008-11-07T16:02:00.003Z

Now I'm gutted. I ambled over to Statcounter to try to work out which is the Ninety Second country from which someone has visited my blog.

There amidst the usual raft of Stars & Stripes and Union Jacks was the flag of the Philippines.

Drill down a little further and they were checking out this entry. I am not so sure it is what they were looking for when they entered their search text "Kinds of Clap" and it would have made a wonderful subject for my milestone post.

There are three main kinds of clap by the way (sorry but i had to know).

Post 300

2008-11-07T15:44:00.004Z

That's right, three hundred times now i have raised my weary fingers to type an entry in this humble journal.
I know I am meant to have saved something spectacular for these momentous occasions but I haven't, your all just going to have to be content with the news that Christmas is coming as I have had the first sample mince pies dropped off today, six of them. I ate five and gave one away as I am a changed man, inspired by Barack Obama to do more for others.

Changing the world, one mince pie at a time. (Now I think this might have to be my new strap line)

The Past & The Future.

2008-11-05T09:54:00.003Z

I've watched history been made on more than one occasion in this life. Like many others of my generation I watched the Berlin Wall come down and felt that somehow the world was going to be different that we had moved forward. I watched Israel build a new wall.

I celebrated the end of Thatcher and the end of her successors in 1997 when Blair was elected, it felt like a fresh start, a brave new world, a younger generation coming through with different ideas for the next century. Blair failed to live up to his promise.

I watched as the threat of terror from the IRA began to disappear. I stopped looking over my shoulder when visiting London. I hoped we were moving into more peaceful times, that my children would be safe. I listened as we went to war in Iraq because of lies.

I have listened to Barack Obama's fine words for two years. I am not American, but I hoped he would win. It's not just the US that needs change, there are people all over the world that want to see him bring down barriers and deliver real lasting economic, social and cultural change for the better, for all of us. Don't be like the others, don't let us down.

Silent Wishes

2008-11-04T13:14:00.003Z

Consumed by other peoples blogs and new shoes for my children and last weekend's newspapers I have little to offer today except my silent wishes to those who need to make change happen on the other side of the pond, follow Jean Luc Picard's instructions and hopefully things might improve marginally.

Go Obama.

Then later as I am watching BBC News, my kids playing around the floor and Palin enters the voting booth one of the toys suddenly lets out a "Flaming Koalas" exclamation which seems to fit the lady.

Lunch

2008-11-03T14:05:00.001Z

White Stilton & Apricot on Hobnobs, don't you just love improvising.

Milestones

2008-11-02T08:15:00.002Z

We all record milestones, there are a myriad of ways of doing it these days, each trying to get a bit of the huge market for nostalgia, however short term. Keepsake boxes, scrapbooks, photo albums even this blog, the twenty first century's equivalent of the diary.
My wife has scribbled dates for firsts in her Filofax (we still eat Blackberries ;).

We had two new firsts yesterday, Edge learned how to blow, the briefest puff of breath emitting from her perfect little mouth in response to us blowing at her.

Huck's first will provide him with hours of entertainment as he connected a finger with his left nostril. Now I know as a society we frown upon nose picking but it truly is an underrated activity. Obviously it is incumbent upon those that participate to dispose of the contents responsibly and recycling is a step too far with this one. Lets be honest though (men) there's not much can compare with finally getting one of those difficult to catch bogeys is there? It's up there on a par with fly fishing and twitching as an activity or it should be.
I guess it may be destined to be continue to be an underground pleasure or dirty little secret but hey things change so fast these days who knows it could be the next big sport, the one that gets everyone back into pubs.
So Huck, when you read this back and wonder how that medal performance started in the Bogey Picking World Championships, it was yesterday and it was me that gave you the encouragement.

Minty Fresh Clothing

2008-10-30T16:24:00.002Z

A new concept from my daughter Edge. Easy as throwing half a packet of Extra Strong Mints into the washing machine.
Remember where you read it first.

Just Another Day

2008-10-29T09:05:00.009Z

Days like yesterday creep up on you, hiding in life's undergrowth and then when you aren't looking they fling themselves at you screaming. We all have those days where events appear to conspire against us, where every choice seems to set off a chain reaction of unintended consequences.

We set out early for the Doctors as Wife had arranged for Huck & Edge's MMR injections back to back. So after the obligatory poo seconds before we got out the door, we scraped in breathless and just about in time. Four needles and one head connection with a cupboard door later we were done and back out, reasonably painless (for us) but with dire warnings of what to do if our children had a mighty reaction turned several shades of purple and became hotter than Angelina Jolie (that's the implant to drive site traffic out the way).

Morning nap went to plan, with the little ones asleep Stumpy and I had planned to bake Halloween Cakes. Now I cook but baking that's a whole other tub of lard.

Halloween, a time for teenagers to dress up in scary masks and hoods, group together and try and exhort money from the local neighbourhood occasionally throwing things at others property. Somebody really ought to tell them it only lasts for one night and not three hundred and sixty five. We baked some great Halloween classics, Bogey Cakes, severed finger shaped biscuits and really foul smelling chocolate crispies with cheap white chocolate eyes. Messy but fun.

Lunchtime was when it started, "try some real food" i thought.

Ten minutes later and we have Penne with smoked bacon & tomato sauce, of course I should have guessed that Edge has an aversion to anything that contains any remnant of flavour.

I need to interject with a real time note Huck has nearly choked on a piece of Penne he had obviously stashed somewhere and gone back for.

After lunch Stumpy was itching to get outside and asked to go to a recently refurbished park in my hometown a few miles away. Five minutes from our destination and the car suddenly starts becoming a tad difficult to steer, obviously a flat. As we were less than a mile from my parents I thought we'd head there so the children had a warm safe haven whilst I changed the wheel.

We turned the corner at my parents to be confronted with an empty drive and empty house.

Twenty seven dirty, cold minutes later just as Stumpy was on his last legs and couldn't push the double act up and down the fifty yard street any more I finished changing the wheel. The tyre on the wheel that came off was so threadbare it should have been in a Dickens novel. A quick check of the other side revealed a similar story.

The journey home was a nightmare as post MMR blues seemed to kick in, particularly with Huck and he screamed himself blue all the way home. I find it very difficult to cope with sustained crying like this, it tears at your brain, shreds your nerves until your ready to join in. Stopping to comfort them seemed pointless as they were as likely to restart the minute we got moving again.

I shouldn't have bothered looking at the other side as seven miles later it too died. Luckily this time we were close to home, so we limped back.

The car was already booked in for a service for today, although the flats made getting it there a little more complicated. Reading back none of the above seems particularly out of the ordinary but yesterday just felt like the end of the world, I guess sometimes having three kids is tough and even odd innocuous events like the odd flat tyre can turn it into a trial by tears.

Happy Hols

2008-10-27T12:05:00.003Z

It was my wife that did for today, she couldn't just leave the house with a cheery "bye" this morning. Her voice echoed up the stairwell as she called " ..and Huck's trousers are good ones don't get them dirty."
They both had their morning poos before breakfast so perhaps I was lulled into a false sense of security. Distracted because Edge only ate a small amount of the "shouldhavebeencalledtoddlerswillspititbackatyouabix" that I introduced as an alternative to "stickstoanysurfacepermanentlyabix" we normally give them.
So we went for some early toast as a top up for her, Huck wandered back off into the living room to throw things at Stumpy.
Dishes done we started with the coats and unexpectedly I detected a second whiff from Huck. I got to the downstairs changing area, we have two to reduce footfall on the stairs and wear and tear on our backs, and the full horror began to emerge.
Not just any poo, not a nice well formed turd, nooooo, not in the new trousers its got to be the Super Hummus poo, the one that spreads on any surface including halfway down the inside leg of the new trousers.
So covered in shit was beautiful bouncy boy that we had to strip and ship him to the sink for a dowsing. Terse words, steeped trousers eventually out we got.
This morning's plan was simple, off to the bank, then cash and carry for a couple of essentials we didn't have, then back home for their morning nap before heading via the shop to an indoor play place in a nearby market town.
The once flooded newly painted bank was a joy to return to without a large scary hairy tattooed lady in sight, (you go to Ashington and see for yourselves), biscuits on the counter to welcome us back.
Onward for their first trip, albeit short, trip to the local cash and carry wholesale. No need to strap them in the buggy, neither of them would be able to somersault out and land head first onto the concrete floor would they.
If she only hadn't mentioned the trousers everything would have been fine.
Honest.

(No children were permanently injured in the making of this entry, the writer did however visibly age)

The Little Things

2008-10-23T15:00:00.000+01:00

An old friend from way back when I knew everything emailed me to tell me she's pregnant and because it's IVF she's having twins. She was asking for advice and reassurance, not that she needs it as she will be a great mother, this got me thinking about all the little things I've learned about babies and small children over the last few years. I thought I would share one or two as I am sure others have found similar things.

Baby's Cry, now I can hear you saying "No shit Batman" but let me finish. My first partner went to Crysis about our son Prodigal because he "cried too much". Three more babies later and I now realise this was bullshit and said more about her expectations than about our son. They all cry and most of us immediately want to shut them up comfort them.

Here's the little things about crying babies, first hold them vertical not horizontal, preferably with the head uppermost. They will stop crying if held upside down but usually only for a short time. They do seem to stop crying sooner when held this way.
If this doesn't work try a change of scenery, new room, outdoors in the garden often works a treat (especially if you stay inside). Beware however if it is the middle of the night that going outside with a crying baby and no clothes on can have a detrimental impact upon your relations with neighbours. Depending on how long the baby has been crying for this might actually be the lesser of two evils.
Getting toddlers to sleep once they start with separation anxiety. Tough one this but one little trick that I have used is to comfort them by drumming my fingers on their back. I like to think that this mimics the heartbeat of their mother from within the womb although my children been gradually worn down by constant drumming is probably nearer the truth.
We use Grobags, once their mobile we find they keep them warm much better than conventional blankets. It also has the novelty of providing hours of amusement as they try to stand up in a Grobag. Again the constant contact, in this case fabric, also reduces the periods of wakefulness of the little buggers darlings in my opinion.

Wave of Wakefulness.

2008-10-23T13:54:00.003+01:00

It began with Huck at about eleven, I spent an hour lying with him, occasionally attempting to put him back into the cot when I thought he had gone to nod. We slipped him into our bed at midnight and he kept us awake and irritated till about one.
I moved back into the single (huffy) bed with him till four fifteen, he fell asleep sometime before this but this was when I noticed and moved him to the cot.
At five twenty Stumpy arrived, gently tapping my head, "I've had a bad dream.." the unasked question hanging in the air as I turned back my quilt and in he slipped.
At six thirty Stumpy was fidgeting so I gently pushed him to move back to his own bed with a kiss.
At six thirty one the Edge woken by Stumpy's best quiet elephant impression as he left the room, was slid between wife and I and greeted me with a quiet grunt.
No one can ever say my family aren't a team.

Dust

2008-10-22T20:23:00.003+01:00

The bane of my wife's life is dust. Given three wishes I am convinced one of them would be to banish dust from our home forever. It has no value, it contributes nothing, it is an irritation, a nuisance, a source of potential embarrassment when visitors arrive.

When Huck woke from his midday nap we rolled on the bed, yet to spring into action he lay gazing toward the sunlight that poured through the now open window. As I lay beside him I went back forty years to another time and place, the clock stopped. Hanging in the air was a thousand shiny, tiny, shimmering particles of dust. It was the same dust hanging in the sunlight, gently tumbling in the early afternoon air that I remember watching with fascination as a young child.

We watched them for a while, caught in the moment, floating in time, Huck here, me back there, together watching our past and futures swirl together before our eyes.

Grasshopper

2008-10-22T16:29:00.000+01:00

This corpse was on the windowsill of our conservatory today, obviously jumped in and found itself unable to escape.

All I Want for Christmas.

2008-10-20T21:39:00.004+01:00

Between 1972 and 1985 my father had a settled routine on returning to the house after a day's work. Apart from a spell working away during the week and returning at weekends I had ample opportunity to become accustomed to this regularity in my post school existence.
On arrival home he would change from his work suit into a polo shirt or jumper and slacks. His work suit would be coat hangered and wardrobed. As his clothes were stored in my bedroom this part of his routine was visible.
Following this if his tea wasn't ready he would head straight for the bathroom a folded copy of the Daily Mirror under his arm or in his hand. The bathroom door would be locked and he would stay in there for anything from ten to twenty minutes, presumably reading the paper whilst taking a dump.
He wasn't disturbed as we had a second, albeit colder and older, toilet downstairs in the garage. In fact they still have it, pine clad with pictures of the colliery he worked at before moving jobs in the early Seventies.
He read his paper, the one he had purchased in the morning and perhaps read once during the day and he did his business in solitude, privacy and quiet, at least in the room.
I tell you this tale in order to draw a comparison with the sorry state of affairs in my own life at this present time. My children think our downstairs toilet is a doorway to another land. They rush headlong behind me clambering and tumbling over one another to get in behind me or to get a foot in the door. Once in there is a cornucopia of activities to occupy them. They can copy the Labrador on the advert, or pull at the vase of dried flowers until I am forced to lift them up into the sink for safety (the flowers not the kids). Noises are for investigation, and at my age there can be many, little prying hands pushing to get past the big white bum into the void below.
I try to contain this hub of activity when other family members are around but a shut door should be opened, and again, and again and isn't it fun for one to be outside and the other inside shrieking at each other as the door is swung open and closed, open and closed.
My dignity reaches rock bottom as they grab at a wrist to look closely at the stained toilet paper, the contents of my bowel now material for further observation if the flush is not fast enough.
So as we head toward the season of goodwill to all men, as families up and down the land seek out gifts for each other, I just wanted to get in a small request early. If it's not too much to ask

Can I have a shit in peace for Christmas?

New Name?

2008-10-20T10:57:00.003+01:00

Imagine my readership if I changed the blog name to "Famous for all kinds of Goatee." I could replace Dooce and conquer the blogosphere, mahahahahahaa....

The Goatee Saga continues

2008-10-18T13:44:00.005+01:00

Most new visitors to my blog seem to arrive searching for pictues of famous people with goatees or perhaps just famous goatees.

It seems that there is an endless stream of people mostly in the US who want to know about goatees, perhaps they are looking for inspiration.

I know this because I can see them here. It's not the first time that this phenomenon has occurred as I noted here and probably started here.

I have been fairly slovenly lately, unshaven for four or five days at a time, perhaps only bothering with the razor once or at most twice a week.

To satisfy these recurring goatee seeking visitors I have started a new goatee derivative, kind of based on a half Charlie Boorman. I am going for the little bit just under the bottom lip. I promise to post a picture when it has got to the point of being worthy of a picture.

Wise Words

2008-10-17T15:25:00.000+01:00

Through discussion, we sort the myth from the reality, the good from the bad, define the true problems that affect our daily lives. We respect the opinions of those who think differently than we do. We get to know each other, so that we can set our biases aside and finally start to get things done.

(via)

Turning Circles

2008-10-17T12:41:00.003+01:00

Last night Edge took her first faltering steps into adulthood at the tender age of one year and fifteen days. Spontaneously without warning she began to turn in circles, promptly got dizzy and fell over. Of course she got back up and promptly did it again, and again till we had to stop her.
She found it hilarious, giggling with infectious laughter at the first time giddy feeling.
I found myself willing her to hang onto that enjoyment, hang on to the laughter and the fun, don't let go of how much fun it can be when you turn in circles.

As we get older we often find ourselves turning in circles, sometimes we seem to go round and round the same one, over and over again, to the point of being sick of retracing those steps.

We forget the laughter and the fun and just see the same old circle.

When your bigger falling over hurts, often our egos have further to fall.

We need to stay with the circle, eventually it will lead somewhere.

The Latest Madness

2008-10-13T11:52:00.004+01:00

Surely I can't be the only one that sees hypocrisy in the latest moves to inject money into some of our banks today. The BBC are stating that one of the government's key demands was that "RBS and Lloyds TSB/HBOS will return mortgage and small-business lending to 2007 levels, which is much more than they are currently lending."

Yet at the same time they have obviously removed the senior people viewed as responsible for the irresponsible lending and investment etc that got them in this position. Have they learned nothing?

Here's some more cash let's get back to lending willy nilly and continue "growing the economy" so that a small minority can continue getting richer.

The truth is sometimes stranger than fiction.

Stig Evicted

2008-10-12T21:18:00.003+01:00

We spent yesterday decluttering, the list of items removed and deposited at the household waste recycling centre (tip was a much easier word for these places) was lengthy and varied and included:

x1 500squid Urban Detour buggy which wouldn't lock into position correctly any longer.

x1 dyson.

x6 chrome mug racks, one of my less wise shop purchases, couldn't even give these away on freecycle.

x6 tins of paint, including the particularly bad algae blue and mustard gas orange we used to paint Prodigal Son's bedroom a few years back. It took several coats last year to hide the results.

x1 Rover 200 car radio

x1 freesat digi box thingymajig.

We were forced by a temporary closure to head east to the almost palatial grandeur of the North Seaton Household Recycling Centre. There to Stumpy's amazement and disappointment men in gleaming orange jackets came and helped us unload the car.
Stumpy stomped into the car as we were finished obviously upset, "Why did the men take all the stuff out of the car?" he huffily asked.
"Well they were trying to help" I replied.
"But it's my job" came the response from the now arms folded, lip firmly in pet mode passenger, "and they didn't do that at the old tip."

From a child's view the new sanitised, clean, user friendly, service led 'tip' is just not the same anymore, not like it used to be, no fun.
I wondered briefly what he would make of the old rag and bone men that were still around when I was his age and I can remember turning up on horse & cart giving out a sweet from a torn filthy jacket pocket if you went to get your mother and she had something for him to take.

Icebergs for UK Local Authorities

2008-10-10T13:17:00.003+01:00

This latest twist in the ongoing money market problems involving local authorities deposits with Icelandic banks is almost beyond belief. Where do you start with all the things that are fundamentally flawed with the thinking that appears to lie behind these deposits.

The BBC is suggesting that there is something like 840m invested by various UK authorities in this article. The government, who apparently encouraged local authorities to take risks with our money in order to keep council taxes lower, say that they have done nothing wrong.
The local authorities claim they have spread the risk by placing money in "a large number of banks."

Some questions that need answering.

Should government and local authorities be taking investment risks in order to "maximise gains"?
Should this money from UK taxpayers not be invested exclusively in the UK?
What percentage of investments does 23m in Northumberland's case for example represent as a percentage of their total invested?
How much are our local authorities wasting on financial advice/consultants and employees simply involved in trying to make money from our money?
Should local authorities not be barred from taking such risks with public money?
Should we not expect local authorities to be focused on front line services rather than playing the money markets?

Uninteresting Facts About Couscous

2008-10-08T14:50:00.002+01:00

Couscous can be bought in Marks & Spencer.

The Edge does not like Couscous.

Couscous makes interesting patterns on white cotton went spat at enough velocity.

Write in My Journal

2008-10-08T12:50:00.002+01:00

Found this fantastic site today courtesy of those over at Notebookism.

The basic premise is this "I approach people who look interesting - like they have a story to tell - and ask them if they, knowing they’ll most likely never see me again, will write in my journal.
They’re free to write whatever they want. I may give them a prompt to start but ultimately it’s up to them."

Interesting results.

Jamie Oliver to Blame for Cuckoo Decline.

2008-10-07T11:47:00.003+01:00

That's right the blame for the decline of the Common Cuckoo can finally be laid at the door of that famous celebrity school dinner cook Jamie Oliver.
The Naked Chef's intervention in school dinners is well known for his 2005 series Jamie's School Dinners in which he challenged the junk food culture prevalent in schools at the time.
We all have mixed memories of school dinners, some of the schools I attended in the Seventies were equally as experimental as Jamie. I often remember dinners and lessons being combined with such topics as "Eat Like a Middle Age Peasant Day" for History and our Science project "Examine the Common Elements present in Boiled to within an inch of its life Cabbage".
With the bad came some good, I could wax lyrical about Arctic Roll or Apple Crumble and Custard.
When it was Stumpy's turn to start staying at school for lunch we talked about the options and reviewed the school menus. They looked reasonable. We decided that we would send him for school dinners. A hot meal is important we told ourselves. Vegetables and fruit on a regular basis would help reinforce the way we were trying to eat and educate him about food and cooking at home.
There have been testing times, he has objected when many of his peers are bringing pack lunches filled with brightly coloured packaged foods that create a kaleidoscope of enticing images to a small child but sadly fail to deliver when it comes to nutrition.
This year we thought we had it cracked, Stumpy seems to have settled down and is making choices that are about as sensible as you can expect from a six year old, or so we thought.
Sitting down to our evening meal (Pan fried Pork with Caramelised Onion Sauce and Basmati Rice) we were discussing our day. It was in the middle of the meal that Stumpy dropped his bombshell and the horrendous truth of my title began to dawn.

" I had Cuckoo for my dinner today"

Shoe Shuffle

2008-10-06T13:02:00.003+01:00

After reading a really good post about slowing down with your kids here the other day, we took time out this morning after the shopping to eat toast on the kitchen floor. In the process the bairns "invented" a new game which seemed to amuse them intensely.
Credit must go to Huck for starting the "Shoe Shuffle" game but Edge was quickly following and soon all three of us were playing like there was no tomorrow. (Don't worry wife the shopping got done, the washing hung out and the dishes hand washed).
The rules are simple sit on the floor, preferably wood or laminate, couple of bites of fresh toast and then shuffle your feet as fast as you can. First right then left. Take great amusement from the fact that others can do this too.
Try and avoid getting the toast under your feet as this tends to result in a squidgy mess.
Also best done without shoes so you daddy doesn't get black lines on the floor when he lets fly with the testosterone just to show how fast a real man can go.
Falling over backwards is a possible danger, especially if your light but hey the fat lip looks kind of good with your big bottom lip.
Have fun.

Wind Shiters

2008-10-04T22:57:00.003+01:00

Driving home from today's little outing we passed through the once grand seaside town of Whitley Bay. I noticed that they have added some sand castle shaped wind shelters on the promenade.
I turned to Stumpy and said "Look Stump, wind shelters."

We stopped a few yards later at a red light and the following was our conversation.

Stumpy: "Dad"
Me: "Yes Stumpy"
Stumpy: "What are WIND SHITERS?"
Me: ............................ silently chuckling.

Old Wisdom

2008-10-03T15:07:00.004+01:00

Just found these wise words that put the financial "crisis" into a little historical perspective.

"It is an old maxim and a very sound one, that he that dances should always pay the fiddler. Now, sir, in the present case, if any gentlemen, whose money is a burden to them, choose to lead off a dance, I am decidedly opposed to the people's money being used to pay the fiddler...all this to settle a question in which the people have no interest, and about which they care nothing. These capitalists generally act harmoniously, and in concert, to fleece the people, and now, that they have got into a quarrel with themselves, we are called upon to appropriate the people's money to settle the quarrel."

- Abraham Lincoln, 1837
(via)

Maps

2008-10-03T12:42:00.005+01:00

We started selling maps earlier this year. They have been reasonably successful and we have re-ordered a couple of times over the summer despite the damp weather. We received a recommendation to use a small supplier in Northumberland, I would add a link but unfortunately they appear not to have a website.

What they do do however, is wrap the batches of maps in offcuts of other maps which is just an absolutely delightful way to receive the product as you get a little glimpse of somewhere else. I now look forward to receiving a delivery so that I can see the map wrapping, solve the mystery of where in the country it is and wonder at some of the names of places I have never been.

Here is just a small sample from the last batch

Little Millyea

Eldrick Hill

Drumbuie Hill

Knocksallie

Rig of Divots

Rig of Wellees

Old Age Sex

2008-10-02T17:46:00.000+01:00

"My husband's coming so i'll have to hurry up and have it off"

quote from an elderly customer today whilst buying ice cream.

Baltic.

2008-10-01T22:44:00.003+01:00

We took advantage of the sunshine today and headed off to the Baltic mainly to get some info for the launch of the new blog but also to get Huck & Edge out and give them some space.

Currently showing is an exhibition of shanty houses and contents by a Japanese artist Yoshitomo Nara in collaboration with design unit graf.

Huck & Edge enjoyed the wooden boards and had a good old wander around.

Later we medtitated on the state of events over the river and prayed to the ancient god of the Tyne for the fourth and final coming of the messiah.

Travel with Twins

2008-10-01T21:24:00.002+01:00

Inspired by Sweet Juniper I have started another blog Travel with Twins which is intended as a personal travel guide to shops, restaurants, museums, art galleries, public transport etc to those similarly lucky or foolhardy enough to have two babies at the same time.

Contrary Kids

2008-09-30T20:46:00.006+01:00

So guess what, not so many hours after the last post Prodigal Son rings and says he's coming over. Does he read the blog?

I guarantee that if you give Huck and the Edge any object it's going to end up in their mouths. I was on safe ground today, after picking Stumpy up from school and heading for a little seaside kids park not too far away, giving them a chocolate drop each.
Not wishing to reach or turn too far back whilst driving I held it out, one to each and let them take it gently from my fingers, safe in the knowledge that it would soon disappear.

Ever the fool I am.

We arrived and I was taken back by how far one chocolate button can be spread in four minutes by a one year old. I'm convinced that Huck was trying to mimic his mother having decided that what I had given him was fake tan rather than anything near edible.
Edge will waddle around with the head of a plastic Brontosaurus stuffed in her mouth begging for an accident but eat a single drop of chocolate today, no way man. Lets smear it on the car seat belts and the harness locks.

Did we have a wipe in the car? Yep you guessed, niet, nada, diddly squat. The best I could manage was a wrinkled leftover tissue stuffed down the back of the drivers chair that wouldn't wipe a mouse's ass let alone two chocolate covered children.

Just as we arrived the brief blue sky, the only blue sky for the whole day suddenly without warning went missing and back came the rain.
We persevered, we swung and Stumpy pedalled on a pedal roundabout till we were wet and Huck & Edge were blue and traumatised enough to go back to the car and welcome the warm interior.

We drove home without chocolate.

Prodigal Son

2008-09-30T11:42:00.002+01:00

The cloud in our silver lining over this week of birthdays and growing up has been the absence of Prodigal Son. It appears that he has forgotten his youngest siblings first birthday as we have had no contact for about two weeks. To be honest our contact has been slipping away over the last twelve months to the extent that he only comes about once a month now, briefly for one or two hours.
It saddens me deeply, not for myself but for my young children and for him. They may only be half brothers and sister but they will be the closest family he has when his parents are gone.

I know that his beef is with me.

I failed him so many times, I know I am at least partly responsible for who he is and how he is.

As is his mother.

I was twenty two when Prodigal Son was born. I knew it all. I had nothing to learn. My confidence was still the cockiness of my teenage years. I was a parent in name and I loved him but I didn't nurture him, at least not nearly enough.
I wasn't there enough. Career building, overtime, hobbies. Any excuse to lift the boredom and get out of the house.
Too many times TV was used as a substitute for putting in some effort. Too much temper from an angry young man when the crying got too much or the milk got spilled.

I realised most of this way too late, for him. The die was cast. I bullied away his self confidence, hacked at his ability and failed to stem the tide that washed away the opportunities children have to learn.

Don't get me wrong he's polite and has manners. He has never fallen foul of the law to my knowledge. He has a job in a call centre. He has recently spilt with a girlfriend of a couple of years but that's another story for another day.

As he got older I got harder, I got more disappointed at his failures. I pushed harder, constantly, now I know that what I was doing was slowly but surely pushing him to a place away from me.

His mother left when he was four, for another man. She would cite my previous unfaithfulness some years earlier as reason enough. He was caught in the crossfire. We talked about Prodigal Son's welfare been the most important issue and to an extent we managed some of that but again not enough. Too many cross words, too much blame and too much anger, inevitably some slips through the mask.

So now I don't push, I don't chase, I wait.

If he wants to know me I am here and the door is open.

If he needs a family we are here.

One day he may read this.

He needs to know, I know I failed him.

He needs to let his brothers and sisters into his life.

They will be his family and I hope that through them he will see that I learned the lesson and didn't make the same mistakes twice.

Birthday-a-thon.

2008-09-28T21:32:00.004+01:00

We're sort of halfway through a week long burst of birthday extravaganza. The worst is over with the two back to back parties yesterday done and dusted. To be honest they both went off reasonably well considering the number of children involved. Even Huck & Edge's first Birthday Bash passed with a minimum of tantrums and tears from the range of kids involved. We managed four sets of twins in the same room for a while including my wife and her brother, nephew and niece, own offspring and other twins born roughly at similar time to ours whose parents we now have something in common with.
Stumpy's Swimming Pool Party was pretty good as most of the kids managed to entertain themselves without a great deal of interference from the adults. This largely left us to move round the pool like a school of hippos, appearing out the water occasionally to check all was still well.
Of course with three birthdays in four days we have now wiped out several acres of pristine rain forest. The cards make a lovely autumnal display all pink and blue hues, just as I imagine a Brazilian autumn to be like.
Maybe I'm missing the point here but have you ever seen a bear with a bunch of balloons in the wild, no I didn't think so.
As if transferring most of Clinton's card stock wasn't enough everybody buys presents. I know I need to be grateful but so many toys. Kids today (here we go) get far too much and most of it is designed to be either a) complicated to build; b) dangerous to use; or c) break after thirty seconds of use.
I'm convinced that some of our friends go out of their way to find the most inappropriate toy out of sheer badness. Who in their right mind buys a six year old a spinning paint wheel. I nearly lost control of my sphincter when I found him on our cream sofa revving up the spinning paint wheel complete with "these paints may stain" warning tonight. Luckily the orange paint only managed to get as far as the throw and hey lets face it we can get another for 99p from Primark.
So after Thursday and Stumpy's sixth I can breathe a sigh of relief and relax, at least on the Friday, as I can almost guarantee that by 10.30 on Saturday Wife will drop the words 'Christmas' and 'Shopping' into the same sentence, she's probably already thinking about it as we speak.

Fault Lines

2008-09-26T12:20:00.002+01:00

I have my faults, I can list them.

I am temperamental.

I can be stubborn.

I am intolerant of anything I consider to be foolish.

I avoid conflict with those that mean nothing to me and engage in it with those I love the most.

I shout too much, too easily angered.

I will argue till the end of time if I believe I am right.

I talk when I should be silent and am silent when I should talk.

I know these things yet I still let them appear too often.

I know these things and I will learn to control them.

Faeries and Floods

2008-09-24T11:04:00.006+01:00

Last night wasn't high up on the good sleep scale. I noticed yesterday that the Edge has another tooth, a sharp corner protruding from her gum near the back at her top right (OK so I'm not a dentist). It may have been some gum pain that caused her to wake sometime after midnight not long after we had wearily fallen into the respective hollows in our bed. Wife brought her in with us but despite several attempts she was wakeful and beginning to voice her discontent.

Knowing wife had work today but still a little pissed at the situation I got up and trotted downstairs. A little Medinol later I took up position on the sofa, Edge wedged on my chest at least here she drifted off to sleep. I joined her in Nod but not for too long.

Voices and music drifted into my dream and I needed someone to take Edge so I could go look. I had a strange idea that it was faeries outside come calling and I needed to go. Maybe it was a confused tooth faery or just my confused mind.I was in that state where I knew I needed to move but my muscles were refusing to obey my minds commands I was paralysed in my prone position.

I kept asking the presence I thought was around in the room to take Edge but no one obliged.

A while later I woke it was 2.36am when I slipped back into the covers of bed and sleep. Four hours later and its 'Good Morning Vietnam...'

This morning I struggled, tired arms and mind, I went for a walk along part of the Wansbeck, the river that flooded Morpeth recently to photograph a weir a couple of miles upstream that has had a huge hole punched through it by the force of the flood (see below).

The force of the water must have been unbelievable as there is debris from this 50m downstream. I'm guessing that it is unlikely to be rebuilt.

Both Edge & Huck slept as we walked so are having a later sleep this morning and have been unsettled as a result.

I've resorted to toast sat on the floor to calm them a little till their ready to sleep.

Library Thing

2008-09-24T00:01:00.000+01:00

Found this tonight and thought it worth sharing. For all those obsessive list makers, train spotters, birdwatchers this site is worth checking out. First it's free for the first 200 books. You can catalogue all your library and compare with others libraries, read reviews, join groups etc. It's social networking for bookworms. It has the nice widget that I have added further down offering a random insight into my book collection.

Business Sale Update

2008-09-23T12:01:00.002+01:00

I haven't said too much about the business sale over the last few days as the buyer we had pulled out at the last minute. She took flight as a result of wanting to make significant changes including the removal of our old but priceless walk in cold store. In situ for about 70 years this room is a gem, all the working parts were replaced 18 months ago but it runs like a dream. It does however contain asbestos and would be a bugger to get out as it has to be professionally dismantled and this was the issue.
150quid an hour surveyor basically told her that her plans to ship this out were going to cost her 20k by the time she dismantled it, closed the shop, dealt with the asbestos and reinstated the room & walls in the space it occupies.
She didn't need to take it out, it just didn't fit with her plans (allegedly).
So we are back on the market.
There is other interest with several other parties now requesting information, accounts etc so hopefully someone else without silly ideas will come in and buy what continues to be a profitable and healthy business.
It does mean that my plans are on hold which is a bit of a pain in the proverbial but hey ho shit happens and we'll get there in the end.

Oodles of Doodles

2008-09-22T13:03:00.004+01:00

When I first started blogging it was on Myspace. One of my few friends over there was a girl called Louise Prentice whose work as an illustrator I came across whilst wandering about. She is a fantastic illustrator and now has a lovely website advertising her talents here.
I sent her a mail today to try and encourage her not to give up and to suggest she trys selling some of her sketches and characters on Ebay. If there are other parents out there reading this and would like to hang some of her work go tell her.

Call Me

2008-09-22T12:38:00.003+01:00

I was never a big Queen fan, I guess I found them a little light compared to the metal I used to listen to when I was a teenager. It was only later I began to appreciate that they wrote some excellent songs.
The title of the post is a song from the new appallingly titled album 'The Cosmos Rocks' which sounds like the name of a WWF wrestler.
The song is fantastic though, with Paul Rodgers singing it sounds like you would expect Free to sound today, it is so reminiscent of both them and Bad Company. Not just down to Rodgers singing either he has obviously been involved in the songwriting as the music was very rock bluesy on this track.

Getting Married (Again)

2008-09-21T22:25:00.002+01:00

One of the best things about getting married (2006) was not having to talk about wedding arrangements again after the wedding.
I don't think I've mentioned before in the blog but my wife has a twin brother.
He proposed to his girlfriend two weeks ago on the Millenium Bridge in Newcastle.
I had a vague recollection that my wife was going with his fiance to a wedding fair today, what I hadn't anticipated was that it would be all I heard about all night.
Wedding breakfast....table arrangements......top table......flower girl....get me out of here please. I suppose I had a reason to show some interest in my own wedding although to be honest i struggled with some of the details. I just found it difficult to get excited about which shade of card the invitations should be or who was sitting next to my future wife's second cousin and why.
A wedding that's not my own, it's only reasonable to expect the groom to have the pleasure of one year's worth of planning and preparation isn't it?

Recognition

2008-09-20T15:18:00.004+01:00

Is it what we all crave? Listening to R4 on Friday I caught the tail end of the book of the week which was Eleanor Bron reading from Michael Holroyd's biography of Henry Irving and Ellen Terry called 'A Strange Eventful History'.
Now I need to be up front at this point I had only vaguely heard of Henry Irving and would probably have thought Ellen Terry was either John's wife or the girl who sailed around the world.
I had one of those moments, I'm sure other people get them when something powerfully emotive just overpowers you. The narrative was talking about Irving as an old man playing Thomas Becket on stage in one of his final performances before he died. At one point some dialogue required one of the characters to shout "Kings men, Kings men". After a moment a member of the packed audience was heard to shout "Irvings men", a cry that was taking up by all and sundry. Suddenly this picture of an audience saluting an old man at the end of his life, recognising his achievement overhwhelmed me. Tears just welled up in my eyes. Surely after love this must be the most satisfying of moments.
This morning just before seven my daughter sat up in her cot looking around in that just awake fashion. I scooped her into my arms and slid her into the warm bed between wife and I. After adjusting the pillows to accommodate her I put my head down close to her face. We looked into each other's eyes for a few moments, her eyes scanning mine, flicking across them as if to read them. She pulled her dummy out with a single finger and said "Dad". Not the first time she has said it but it has never been as meaningful and as direct as it was this early morning.
Perhaps the first of many heartbreaks to come but that moment of recognition means the world, it's taken almost a year but if she can always look at me with that combination of innocence, awe and sparkle I will pass from this world happy for being recognised.

Quench

2008-09-20T15:12:00.003+01:00

That's it now, just wait and see how long it takes the media (or anyone else for that matter) to start using the word quench about other types of failure. Or maybe I have just created a self fulfilling prophesy by firing this post at it.

Bitching about Cakes

2008-09-18T16:30:00.002+01:00

We've got imminent birthdays with Stumpy, Huck & Edge all falling within four days of each other. Parties have taken on a new slant this year as we struggled to find a venue to cope with the millions of people our children needed to invite. It's interesting to note that the communication process regarding the invitation list for our soon to be ONE year old kids have been either telepathic or subliminal, either way my wife has managed to transcribe the list.
We appear to have rented out a local leisure centre or at least its swimming pool and soft play. The invitation printing alone needed a tender process.
Then today, today we're chatting on the phone, touching base, chewing the cud and remember at this point I am on a carb free diet, wife starts talking about cakes. That's not one but three bloody cakes at SIXTEEN QUID a cake.
I think she was just testing as she drew back from this appalling waste of money later in the conversation after citing some other mother with twins who bought one each for hers for the first couple of years just so I could feel the guilt down the phone.
I think their birthday is going to be a valuable lesson in sharing (ONE CAKE).

Belly Button Fluff as a Growing Medium- Discuss

2008-09-17T18:08:00.002+01:00

After reading about 'growing jewellery' here, I began to wonder what next. Perhaps the trend for piercings will be replaced by installation of miniature gardens in the navel or lip piercings could bring new meaning to three day stubble.
You know you have too many dark nights when your dreaming this up though.

Homework

2008-09-17T13:49:00.005+01:00

This morning was an experiment in home working. I arranged a meeting with Business Link and someone from Northumberland Business Service. Turns out the guy from NBS used to work for the company I started with back in 1984 so we had a few people in common. I timed the meeting so that Huck & Edge would hopefully be having their morning nap. It all went to plan although they both woke up before the end to put in an appearance.
The Business Bods have the basic business plan I have put together for my "niche" idea and have gone off to review it and come back with any thoughts and give me an idea of the areas where grant funding may be available.
The sun shone after lunch so I headed out for a walk as the Edge was being incredibly edgy after lunch and wouldn't move more than 1mm from my arms, protesting loudly if her feet even approached the floor. Of course five minutes out and the sun went in and guess who was blase about cardigans and coats as we left. The walk was nothing to write home about but I did find a cache of blackberries which are worth going back to in the next few days. Apples on the other hand are hard to come by, I've checked numerous trees that I have managed to collect from in past years but have no fruit at all this year.
My old fashioned squint at the line scales are now showing me at 13stone dead, a weight I haven't seen since about 1997, that's 12lb lost since I started.

First Steps

2008-09-15T22:34:00.003+01:00

Huck took his first unaided steps today, just two. With lead in his legs he managed the monumental two paces after lunch. The effort left him exhausted and he has refused to even attempt to set a new personal best since. Even a spot of early evening gardening saw him unwilling to move off his arse to repeat the performance.

New Fashion

2008-09-15T22:16:00.004+01:00

Forced to go to Ashington again to bank today as they are still drying the carpets in Morpeth. Maybe I need to get out more but I suddenly noticed a high percentage of old men were wandering around in baseball caps. When did this fashion change happen? What the hell next are we going to see them blinged up or wearing hoodies? Is it only a matter of time before we're talking about knife crime at afternoon bingo amongst the over sixties?

Maybe it's just Ashington, maybe there's a flat cap shortage, probably another bizarre impact of the credit crunch. Look each to their own and all that but someone needs to tell them they look a little silly, especially when riding one of those mobility scooters.

Stumpy

2008-09-12T14:15:00.002+01:00

Yesterday we had to get home in a rush,

So he could watch Basil Brush,

Apparently its a fox, on the box.

Today he likes slippery socks.

How quick they grow,

Soon he'll know all there is to know.

He's starting to exercise choice,

realising that he has a voice.

It'll fly by, soon he'll be off to college

and then there's carnal knowledge.

So every night when he's boisterous and loud

Remind me he'll be gone soon,

remind me to be proud.

The Disappeared (with apologies to Bono)

2008-09-11T13:37:00.004+01:00

Listening to R4 on the way in today I caught a snatch of a news item about dead hurricane victims being mixed in with mortuary bodies washed out of a hospital in flood water and no one knowing how many or who had actually died. This must have been on one of the islands in the Gulf of Mexico I think, I didn't quite catch the location.
I can't think of a sadder end than having lost your life without anyone knowing, obviously it's pretty shit for the families involved too.
My thoughts turned to blogging and how bloggers disappear without trace sometimes, no word, no goodbye, no grand last post just absent. As we increasingly become tangled in other lives via the web I wonder how this will change our perceptions about loss. Will we become hardened to it after we keep seeing bloggers disappear? Will other family members take up the blog almost like a family business in the case of the few that manage to generate an income?
Perhaps some of us will be tempted to go digging to try and track down those "missing in action".
I think the death of a blog could cause some unusual feelings. I remember when I was younger, when coming to the end of a really good book, one that I had lived as well as read, feeling a sense of loss at the end, emptiness, a void. There are similar feelings now when I look at my blogroll and can't find a post from someone I have enjoyed reading. Perhaps we bloggers should get used to feeling like that more often.

The First Week in Summary

2008-09-11T06:30:00.001+01:00

My half of the week over, we have all come through unscathed although I must get to a razor tomorrow. The first three days have been a learning experience, having two toddlers around really tests you at times. This Week's Stats look like this:

New Skill of the Week: How to extract cucumber from the deepest recess of a high chair.

New Fact of the week: Crying is contagious.

Best Moment of the Week: Green Elephant Theatre

Worst Moment of the Week: Wednesday afternoon's post nap paddy.

Nappy Count :27

In Need of Engine Oil and a Boilersuit

2008-09-10T10:56:00.003+01:00

You learn something new every day don't you. Did you know Boots have launched a miniature store format similar to Tesco Extra? I didn't either till this morning. It's very small and the layout is a little disorganised and there seems to be an over abundance of female sanitary products. They need to rethink the no bin policy as well because many customers just seem to be dropping the receipts willy nilly. They haven't completed the signage yet and I must have missed the launch party but I guess my wife will be pleased as the location is so close by. I kind of hesitate to make it public in case we get loads of punters knocking on the door because they've "lost their lippy" but the new Boots Mini Store, the first of its kind has launched in our Baby Bag.
It was an accidental discovery whilst we were choosing birthday cards for the twin Grandma's, (have I got that right wife if your reading?) A slow motion moment. I opened the pocket that I thought my wallet was in and suddenly as I rummaged something flew out, I say flew because of the wings. I noticed the wings on the slimline Always Ultra absorbent pantyliner just before it slid gracefully along the floor in front of the counter at the feet of the woman in front of me in the queue. It couldn't have produced a truer flightpath if it had been a paper plane made on Magpie.
I don't embarrass easy so I casually reached across and picked it up throwing a smile in the direction of the girl at the checkout. The pad in my pocket I reached the counter and placed my cards down with the my wallet on top. My wallet folds in half and is mock leather, black. It holds cards and receipts and a couple of photos and "Oh Fuck a Tampon sticking out from between the fold." By now the girl at the counter obviously thinks I am a weirdo with a fetish for collecting female sanitary products and just wants me out the shop as fast as possible, she's looking over my shoulder to make sure the manageress isn't too far away in case I'm premenstrual. The only safe thing to do now is pay and get out quickly.
Several shops later, I'm home safe and sound and just about to do the afternoon naps so I can get on with some jobs.

Job List
1. Empty Baby Bag and repack with cigars, screwdriver and set of spare fuses.
2. Buy a make your own cards set.

The Green Elephant & The Tortoise.

2008-09-09T22:10:00.004+01:00

Our first day together on our own. Stumpy left the house looking smart and older than Year One. Huck & The Edge gazed at the crowd gathered outside the school entrance, perhaps wondering what all the fuss was or maybe expecting a major celeb to make an appearance.
I want the days I have with Huck & The Edge to be productive for the three of us. Today we started on a good note. I am pleased with the results as we managed an introduction to theatre and multi tasking all in a short space of time.
Needing to poo I headed downstairs and left a wide open door so the two of them could stay close. An open door is as good as an invitation in our house so soon there were three of us crowded into the smallest room of the house. A wide legged sitting position was required to prevent my curious kids from creeping behind me to investigate the plops. I needn't have worried The Edge quickly picked up the green tub that had been positioned under the sink to catch the leak and after checking it out for liquid contents scooped it into her mouth holding it between her teeth and proceeded to moan loudly. Huck wasn't about to let his sister be the only green elephant in the toilet so he snatched the pot and copied with an even bigger moan. There was only one thing for it, so yes there I was with a green pot clenched between my teeth and a tortoise head between my buttocks making elephant like roars to the delight of my children. Who says a man can't multi task. It might not be Shakespeare but a little improvisation can't be a bad thing can it?

How did we cope without Google?

2008-09-09T12:23:00.002+01:00

I discovered today they automatically update your age on your profile. Now I have handed over that responsibility to Google I can stop worrying about having to remember how old I am ever again, If i need to know I just need to check my profile, now what was that password?

First Day

2008-09-08T20:41:00.005+01:00

I guess I had better blog about my day. I could tell you we sat in the sunshine and played with a giant frog. We laughed and cooed as miniature geese took corn from my hand and pigeons used the buggy as a temporary perch.
Alternatively I could let you share the forty minutes on the A1 that Huck screamed for. You could help me count the objects I passed to him in a bid to keep him quiet as we crept home just ahead of the main evening rush.
Or perhaps I should be honest and tell you how many times I shouted, knowing full well it would n't stop the tears, or how the pent up frustration spilled over on the telephone when wife's itinerary and mine became a mismatch.
What is certain is that today has gone, sometimes rough around the edges but it is done and tomorrow we can all start again.
Tomorrow will be different as I'm without my right hand man, my trusty lieutenant, Stumpy returns to school. Tomorrow I'm on my own (gulp).

Is this Chickenshit?

2008-09-08T12:21:00.002+01:00

Reading this post over at Inhabitat made me wonder, is this a good development or not. I think it is reasonable to assume the chickenshit in question comes from battery hens. If battery hens are therefore driving part of the energy creation in Holland does this mean that they will always continue to have battery hens. Great for renewable energy not so good for chicken liberty methinks.

Dry Run

2008-09-07T22:39:00.003+01:00

Tomorrow I get to see if I can cut the mustard as a SAHD (Stay at Home Dad). Wife goes back to work and we're primed for a 7.00am dry run to make sure I can get me and three kids out of bed, dressed, fed, free of shit and ready to go by 8.35am. This is the latest time I can leave the house to get to school, discharge those that can't walk into the buggy and power walk the last 1/4 mile to school giving Stumpy some exercise. It also gives me the opportunity to feel superior to all the mothers who are squeezing their people carriers into the last inch available in the gap between the ridiculously small car park and the yellow zig zag lines. Unless it's raining.
It's a dry run because we won't actually do the school bit until Tuesday. Instead we are heading for the bank and then to a Berghaus factory shop to buy a (hopefully) bargain one off sample waterproof for Stumpy from the 100k sample sale they started a couple of days ago.
Beyond that I'm flexible and we'll see how the day goes.

The Shipwreck.

2008-09-07T12:36:00.006+01:00

Hearing the dreadful story of our friend in detail last night and how she could only rescue one of her three cats brought back memories of another tragedy that my grandfather used to tell me about when I was younger.

Just over eighty years ago towards the end of February 1928 the SS Paddington was moving south off Flamborough Head. It was a night of thick fog and visibility was low. Being at sea at that time was still quite dangerous as it would be another seven years before Watson Watts carried out the first experiments with radar.
Most of the crew of the coal vessel was below deck sleeping. Without warning a larger vessel the SS Olivius loomed out of the fog and rammed into the side of the Paddington opening a gash in the side of the vessel that began to take in water. The crew were roused by the night watch and began to drop lifeboats in order to evacuate. Safely in the lifeboat two of the crew members suddenly realised that the ship's cat "Nigger" was not with them. Risking their own lives they re boarded the stricken Paddington to search for the cat. The search was in vain as they were unable to locate Nigger who became the only fatality of the night.
They were taken aboard the Olivius which dropped them in Sunderland. They stayed there at the Seaman's Mission before journeying home. News of the disaster reached their families but news of the crew's survival took longer to get home and it was several days before my grandfather's family knew for certain he had survived.

My grandfather told me this tale over and over again, I never tired of hearing the tale of that night and the bravery of the crew in trying to rescue the cat. There's no moral to the story I simply want to ensure this little piece of family history is remembered and noted somewhere.

Floods

2008-09-07T03:49:00.003+01:00

Yesterday morning my wife took Stumpy for his first swimming lesson of the new term at the leisure centre in the local market town. Approximately one hour after they were there the river burst its banks and this happened

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7R-HuRqlB5w

We have a close friend who lives in the area badly affected. Her ground floor is under waist high water and she had to wade out with her five year old daughter. They watched as the water rose and came over the top of the flood barrier. They couldn't even drive out, it all happened in sixty minutes.
The nursery we had planned to send Huck & the Edge to is close by, I walked down last night and the road to it is closed and it is under three feet of water.
It's going to take them all months to get back to normal.